i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
