The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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