can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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