You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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