we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
