I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
