guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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