i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
