I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
