You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
