how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
