He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
