i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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