i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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