You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
high people should be assigned attendants
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
