Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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