Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
