So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
