see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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