your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
