i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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