There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
