Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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