I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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