I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
