NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
