were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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