sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
