my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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