On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
