Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
