your room smells of hookers.
And success
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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