I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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