When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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