Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
