Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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