I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
