Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
