I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
