apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
