I think I died a long time ago.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
