We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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