Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
