if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
