So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
