I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
why do cheetos always look like penises
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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