I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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