Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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