if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
