Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
